I Am Mad

I AM MAD AT YOU

part 1.
I am mad at you because you tend to keep me "out of the loop" about things. I don't know if you just "forget" to tell me, I don't know if you just don't want me to know, but it's fucking annoying. Especially now that I tend to tell you everything. I am mad at you because I can be. I am mad at you because I still don't know if I can trust you. Believe me, dear I want to trust you. I want to think, "Oh, it's all right, he's not going to try to 'get me back' for being untrustworthy at one point, especially because he said that the past is in the past, blah blah blah, no, I should be able to trust him because he says I can. What would he do? He doesn't have the time to do anything bad, blah blah blah." Well I don't really believe that. It's absolutely possible to have one person think they know where you are at all times of the day and yet still be carrying on under a completely different set of circumstances. Perhaps I am being irrational and obviously I still have issues with this whole "trust" thing, but that is the entire purpose of writing about it. Maybe it will make me feel better. I just don't know if I can trust you yet or not. Especially since you still -and worse, secretly- keep your ties to her. Yes, her, the big, all-important her. I have been wary of her since day one, since you conveniently "forgot" to tell me that she was back in town after living in California for two fucking years and you weren't answering my calls because you were spending time with her. It doesn't make for a handy first impression, I'll tell you that. You can tell me that I'm perfect and you love me and I'm the one you want all to be damned, but I'll know when I can believe it and I just can't yet. I just can't when you're still holding on to her... and especially when you claim that it's just holding on to a point in your life. I do not believe that. So I am mad at you. I am mad because I am afraid and I am afraid of getting duped. Of having the wool pulled over my eyes. And you, my dear, are a master of this, so it makes my fear all the more prevalent. So I AM MAD AT YOU because it's only small things now. And that's how it starts. And I honestly do not want our relationship to fall apart because I do love you so very much. I don't want to be a nag or a jealous girlfriend. I just want to be able to feel safe. That's all...

part 2.
I am mad at you because, most likely, I am semi-subconsciously jealous of you. Jealous of you because you have the education, you have the experience, and I don't. Yet. I don't like the way you make me feel paranoid all the time, like you're watching over my shoulder. I don't like the way that you make me feel like I'm being judged all the time. God, this sounds even crazier when I write it down. You attempt to come off as such a nice, approachable person, but for some reason, when you're around, I just want to crawl beneath my desk and hide - which is saying a lot because it's absolutely filthy beneath my desk. I don't like the tone of voice you use when you're on the phone with someone regarding your "special projects." Of course I'm jealous of that - because I used to have special projects, too, but then you got wind of this and suddenly I don't anymore. I am simply suspicious of you. There is something in the atmosphere that changes when you are around and I do not like it.

part 3.
I am mad at you and I always will be. The list of reason why I am mad at you is practically infinite because you fucked up such an important time in my life. At the same time, I should be grateful because had you not fucked up that time, I wouldn't be who I am today. So I'll keep the list to a minimum and focus on the big complaints. You are lazy. You are irresponsible. You are impossible to deal with. You are narcissistic. You couldn't spell "narcissistic" without looking it up. You are uneducated. You are a hypocrite. You are NOT A FUCKING PROPHET. You are not that entertaining. You are unreliable. You are unrealistic. You are immature. You have horrible hygiene. You have issues with jealousy that will ruin every relationship that you are ever in. You will always have a subpar existence until YOU DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. It was not my job to fix you or take care of you and fuck you for ever making me think that it was. You do not know what is best for our child, so please do not even attempt to persuade me into thinking that you do. You need to finish school, get a real job, attempt to take on some real adult responsibilities, and be able to take care of yourself before I'll even remotely consider believing that you may have an inkling about child-rearing. So please stop your fucking ceaseless complaining and just grow up.

I feel a bit better now.